Traumatic grief is different to other types of grief because it devastates every aspect of our being. There is huge shock with a traumatic loss which causes enormous stress to the nervous system, invariably leaving us stuck in 'fight or flight' mode.
The musician Nick Cave, when talking about the night his son died unexpectedly and traumatically said, ‘it’s almost like there is a rupture that time and memory poured itself into. Everything disappears.’
He also comments on how the trauma affects mothers: ‘a circle of hell that is reserved solely for mothers who lose their children. It’s a whole other level of loss and suffering, a terrible, terrible thing to happen to anyone. There are all sorts of feelings tied up in it, guilt and shame and self-loathing so primal, yet so complex, they are near impossible to unravel. We don’t have the language for it. Or maybe language itself is not up to the task.’
Trauma is the Greek word for wound and psyche is the Latin word for soul. From this come the term ‘psychological trauma’ or the more poetic version, ‘soul wound’. Trauma adds another layer of complexity to our grief and complicates our healing. Trauma can make us more sensitive, more reactive, more anxious, more insecure, more easily overwhelmed.
Triggers
There are always triggers after a traumatic loss, and they may not be huge events but small things that tip us over. No one ‘allows’ themselves to be triggered. Triggers are unconscious associations made by the nervous system. They show us where we feel unsafe and out of control. Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle says that we are not ourselves when we’re triggered. We become who we think we need to be to survive. What can we do about what feels at times like a living hell? EMDR may help, and regulating the nervous system, breathwork, certain herbs and supplements plus somatic practices, because we need to move the trauma out of the body.
No two people, and no two traumatic losses are the same, so the path to healing after trauma will look different for everyone.
Post-traumatic Growth
Carl Jung said: ‘Embrace your grief for there your soul will grow.’ It is possible to grow from our traumatic experiences and there is hope still to be found after life-changing loss. Interestingly, there is research that suggests that the more severe the trauma, the higher the potential for post-traumatic growth.
Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings, as long as we believe things last. From this perspective, the only time we ever know what's really going on is when the rug's been pulled out and we can't find anywhere to land. We use these situations either to wake ourselves up or put ourselves to sleep, says Pema Chodron in ‘When Things Fall Apart.’ And I think this is true.
Surviving traumatic grief
Perhaps hitting rock bottom is the most self-aware place we’ll ever find ourselves in. Surviving trauma gives us great insight into what we as humans can endure. Maybe we have to be completely destroyed to find out who we truly are and from there we become wiser and more compassionate, and that potentially creates healers of all kinds who will light the way for others.
That said, we need to be careful of 'toxic positivity' here. Traumatic grief is an extremely challenging path and it's important for those of us who experience it that it is fully acknowledged as the greatest pain a human can endure.
You can read more about the subject of traumatic grief in my book 'Love Untethered'
If you'd like grief support from someone who understands traumatic grief from both a personal and professional viewpoint, please visit my website: holistic grief coaching
Vanessa May
Holistic Grief Coach & Certified Grief Educator
BANT Nutritional Therapist
ILM accredited Wellbeing Coach
Spiritual Life Coach
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